Photo: James/Flickr/Creative Commons
Today, I planned a “Me-Time” kind of day. After a long week at work, it was finally my day off. I slept in until 10:45 in the morning and did not get out of bed until 11:45. I took a bath, headed out for lunch with my boyfriend and asked him to drive me to the cafe where I can buy my favorite green tea latte I have been craving for since last night. Bringing with me my MacBook, pens, notebooks, and Bible, I planned to spend the rest of the afternoon by myself, writing and writing and writing… As I settled down, green tea latte in hand, I browsed my blog for articles I started but never got to finish. I tried to continue with one of the 10 articles saved in my drafts, but I still did not get to finish it. I think I spent more than an hour on Facebook instead chatting with one of my dearest girls, listening as she shared a dilemma she is currently facing. Little did I know, this dilemma she is facing would open wounds from the past and would help me realize a few things which would ultimately give me something I can write about! I don’t know how this could help the other ladies out there, but this would serve as a great reminder in the future.
Since I cannot disclose any information about my friend’s situation, I will just share my experience which is almost the same as hers.
So a few years ago, I got involved with someone I should not have been involved with. He had a girlfriend and I knew it well. However, instead of running as far as I can away from him, I did the opposite. I stayed with him. Of course, as expected, over time, we became closer… until it reached the point where he had to choose between me and the girl. He would always tell me, “Just hold on a little bit more. I’m just looking for the right time to tell her.” For weeks I held on to that promise. Weeks turned into months, and still nothing happened. But it was okay, I held on.
Then one day, everything came crumbling down.
His girlfriend eventually found out about us and came and confronted me and him by visiting us at our college. He went after her, of course. “What do I do now?” I asked myself. Left behind under the rain, I reassured myself, “No… he is not gonna choose her. He would choose me. He promised.” So, I waited. I waited that night, I waited the following day, I waited the following week. But he did not stay true to his promise. He chose her. Even after I stayed with him, he chose her. Even after I waited for months, he chose her.
Again, I asked… “What do I do now? Do I move one or wait for him to come back?”
I was brokenhearted.
But I cannot blame him. I have no one else to blame, but me. I knew perfectly he was someone else’s, and I still did not back off. I brought this to myself, I deserved the pain.
Years after, even after all the wounds have healed and everyone has moved on, I still think about that day and what I could have done differently if I were given the chance.
It wasn’t until today that I had received my answer.
My friend’s situation is slightly different in the fact that she had no idea he was still in a relationship. Not until the girlfriend herself sent my friend a text message informing her of her existence as she read my friend’s message on the guy’s phone.
Slightly different situation, but totally the same question… My friend asked me, “What do I do now?”
This is when I had to look at the scars from the past again.
This is when the answers to my four-year-old questions came directly from my own mouth.
First of all, of course, if you already know the person is in a relationship, do not get involved with him. He would promise you lies, but never believe them. Just stay as far away from them as possible. Think about this… if he cheated on his partner just to be with you, what made you think he will not do it on you with other girls? If a person in a relationship is showing interest in you, that is one heck of a sign that he is NOT the right one for you.
But just in case you belong to the rare situation that’s like my friend’s, I have something different to tell you.
This is what I told my friend, and this is what I would tell all the other ladies out there who may also be in similar situation.
It may not feel like it, but you have the upper hand now. The ball is in your court. It isn’t like you entered that relationship with the knowledge about the other party, so it’s okay. You’re good. However, now that you already know, you have to step out of that mess. Between the three of you, it is you who has the choice. No, not the guy. It is you. Remember, you are not the one who’s at fault here. But that wouldn’t stay true if you stay in that relationship even though you already know the truth.
Think of it like this. Imagine you are in a box with him. You thought it was only just you and him in your own sweet little world. Until someone shed some light and you found out there is another one inside the box with you… and she has been in the box longer than you. Your choices are this.
- You can choose to stay in the box and listen to all the promises he would promise you. Promises will include “Just hold on a little bit more, I will fix this.”, “Wait for me. I will choose you.”, “Please give me another chance. It is you whom I love.” And though hurt, a part of you will believe that. You would want to believe that. Because in all honesty, you want him to choose you. So, you can choose to stay inside the box with them and wait your whole life for him to fulfill that promise. If you choose that, let me tell you what the chances are. Chances are, the other girl will feel tired of the tug-of-war and will leave you with him inside the box. You may think that’s a happy ending, but no. You just got left behind with a leftover. With a trash. With someone who isn’t even man enough to make a decision. A coward. Do you really want that for a lifetime partner? Or… as you blindly wait inside the box with them, you may be surprised to wake up one day and find out that both of them have finally mended it, walked away together, and you are left alone in the box. And, yes. That would hurt.
- Your second choice is more promising. It would hurt, yes, but not as much as the first choice. You can choose to be the first one to walk away. To be the first one to step out of the box. Choose to be the one who hurt less. Again, it would hurt, but you will get your answer immediately. You will immediately know if he really is the man he presented himself to be. You will know if he truly loves you the way he said he does. Leaving the box may mean you are not giving him a chance anymore, but darling, a man who truly loves you will come after you whether you give him a chance or not. He will pursue you. Actually, a man who truly knows how to love will not put you in this situation in the first place. If you leave the box and he did not come after you, then there’s your answer. Now keep on walking. Do not look back. Do not ever go back to the box.
So you see… even though you have been cheated on, lied to, you do not have to be the one to walk around defeated. It will hurt, so let it hurt. But rise above it. You, daughter of the King, deserves the best. You deserve a love that’s true. You deserve the love only the Heavenly Father has prepared for you. You deserve a man who loves God. Do not ever take any less than that.